Carter - 5 Months Old

Carter is 5 months old now and getting way too big. He is old enough to respond to things and it's a lot of fun. Now that Carter responds Tyler has started to do little things to torment him like he does the dogs.

Carter has abandoned his binki and sucks on his first 2 fingers instead. He has a better grasp now and can hold most things. He is starting to enjoy playing with his toys. He enjoys laying under the activity center but plays as much with the legs as he does the other stuff. He will sleep up to about 6 hours but has only slept through the night once or twice.

He is still a really easy and happy baby. He isn't picky about who holds him. He will go to anyone and be happy with them. He likes to smile and his whole face lights up when he does. He has gotten a lot more upper body strength and can hold his head up without any support. We are working on getting him to put his legs down to support himself. He likes to just pull them up.

He loves his Grandpa. They take a nap together everyday and Dad gets him to sleep every night. In the mornings they sit together in Dad's recliner and read the newspaper.

We had a good Thanksgiving. Kathy and Grandma Pauline joined us. Grandma probably asked me 20 times how old Carter was and what I named him. It is so sad and hard to see. 

I Am Thankful for Garrett & Gracie

I am grateful for a red headed little firecracker named Garrett and a gentle soul with darling dimples who goes by the name of Gracie. These two angels where born in into our family at a special time in our lives. Gracie was 3 1/2 months old and Garrett was just over a month old when my family started to deal with what was a challenging string of events. 

Around the beginning of April Janalee was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. We had a trip planned to Mexico so surgery was scheduled to remove her thyroid for when we returned. While there we got word from Tyler that he had gotten a hernia while working and was also going to need surgery. 

We were able to enjoy our trip and head for home. Dad, Marijka, and I were traveling in the truck pulling the trailer. The others were in the van following along. While driving toward home on I-15 near Fillmore a tire on the trailer blew. We rolled 3 times. The trailer was demolished.  Marijka scratched her arm, Dad checked out okay physically, and my knees went thru the windshield along with other scrapes and bruises on my head and hand.  

This happened late Sunday afternoon.  After extensive x-rays, and an excruciating hour when the picked all the glass and debris out of my knees. They had been cut down to the bone. They gave me 18 numbing shots inside each knee. Each one was hell. Even after the shots any pressure sent my pain levels off the charts. 

When I found out I was pregnant I was interested in seeing if labor would be comparable to this pain. Labor was very painful especially without an epidural. But the pain of my knees was almost as bad and went on much longer and I didn't get the cute baby at the end. So the most painful experience for me will remain the repair of the shredded tissue in my knees. 

Okay, I'll get back on track. After being discharged we got home late Sunday night. If I remember correctly Janalee's surgery was Tuesday. Tyler's was Thursday. Both went well. Now it came down to nursing everyone they their recovery. I had one recliner in the front room, Jan had the other, and Tyler was in Mom and Dad's room.

The Petersen family and several other friends were great during this time. They were there to take care of us and when the wreckage was sifted thru and what could be salvaged was brought home they cleaned it and helped figure what had been lost. They fed us, kept the house clean, and kept our moods up. 

Garrett and Gracie were our bright spots in a time when we were in a dark place. We got to hold and cuddle them. For me holding a little baby can take my stress away. Just having the babies in the house brought a special spirit. I really think they helped us all heal.

These cuties have continued to bring me much happiness and love as they have grown up. They are now 6 years old and in first grade. Garrett is very mischievous and adventurous. He has a thirst for knowledge. He picks a subject and learns everything he can about it. Ask him about Old Ephraim some day and be prepared to be awed. Today at dinner when Sean's mom walked in he said, "Hello Giselle, It's so good to see you." He has amazing manners and is growing up to be a true gentleman. Gracie is beautiful and has the cutest dimples. She is a little shy but warms up. She is a great soccer and t-ball player. Gracie has a tender heart. I love them both greatly. I'm so thankful they were born into our family.

I Am Thankful for My Friends

I am grateful for my friends. I am not a person who has a ton of close friends outside of my family, so I treasure those I have even more. I am fortunate that my Mom, sisters, aunts, and cousins are also my friends. My friends are all amazing ladies. We have the kind of friendships where you can go months without speaking and pick up as if we spoke the day before. My friends are loyal. Some I have know for more years than I can count and others just a few. I know they will be there to hold me up when I need them and I will be there when they need me. They have been there to celebrate my happiest days and my worst. They listen to their hearts and may stick a card in the mail unexpectedly, or randomly send an e-mail or text and it will be just what I need that day. They know who they are and I hope they know how very much I love them and treasure their friendship. Thanks for supporting and loving me.

I'm Thankful for My Eternal Family

I am thankful for eternal families. In my patriarchal blessing I was instructed to study and understand the plan of salvation.  At the time it seemed like a weird thing. I now see why this knowledge is important in my life. I am grateful that I know I will be with Kyle again and we can be together with Carter for eternity. It is so comforting for me to know that Kyle is no longer in pain. He no longer limps, he can hear and see perfectly. He isn't having to deal with the challenges of autism. His heart now beats steady and strong. He is in the arms of his Heavenly Father. I have watched others lose their loved ones without having the comfort of knowing they will be together again and my heart aches for them. If I didn't know we can be together again I don't know how I would have gone on after Kyle passed away. 

It is so comforting to me to know that Carter was able to spend the 4 months between when his dad died and he was born in Heaven with Kyle. I know Kyle will be watching out for Kyle as he grows and lives his life. Carter has a special guardian angel. I hope it can bring Carter some comfort as he has to grow up without his Dad. I hope as I teach him the plan of salvation it might bring him some peace as it has me. I am grateful I have an eternal family.

I am Thankful for Disposable Diapers

I am thankful for disposable diapers. Need I say more? I didn't think so.

I Am Thankful for Carter

I am thankful for Carter. This little guy is the best thing that ever happened to me. He was born at a time in my life when Heavenly Father knew I would need him most. He was worth the wait. I never thought I would only have one child but if this is the way it needed to be then I'm grateful my little sweet pea choose me. It is an overwhelming responsibility to be a Mom and I often wonder if I am up to the task. It doesn't help that I was expressing my doubts on this subject to Kyle once and he informed he wondered about that himself. Needless to say I was quite hurt and the silent treatment was administered to him. I try not to let this be something I constantly worry about but I admit it's something I worry about. A big help is that I have the best example in the world to follow in my own mom. If I can do even a fraction as well as she has I'll be happy. 

When I was pregnant I wondered how long it would take me to grow to love him. It is amazing to me how it happened instantly for me. I'm not known for my patience and wondered how I would be with him. Once a baby started fussing I immediately ready to give them back to their mom. People always told me it is different with your own and I thought they were full of crap. I now have to admit they were right. I know it won't matter what Carter does or the mistakes he makes I will always love him. I watch him sleep and he is so peaceful. He is such a wonderful blessing.

I'm Thankful for Angels

I enjoyed thinking of the things I am grateful for as I wrote about them last year on my blog so I'm going to write about some of the things I'm thankful for this season as well. I'm late getting started this year so it won't be an everyday thing.

I was thinking today that I am thankful for angels. The scriptures teach us of angels and I believe they watch over us. During Kyle's funeral Bishop Yates told my nieces and nephews that he felt prompted to tell them Kyle would be with them protecting and guiding them during certain times in their lives. I have taken comfort in knowing Carter was able to spend 4 months in Heaven with Kyle. Now he is here on earth with me I know Kyle is watching over and protecting him. It's a comforting feeling to know Carter will have a guardian angel watching over him. 

Carter - 4 Months Old

Carter is 4 months old. He weighs 14 pounds 12 ounces and is 26" long. He is getting way too big for my liking. I saw a newborn Thursday and I can't believe Carter was that small. He is so cute and his smile melts my heart. He puts his whole body into it wiggling and making cooing noises. His eye no longer runs, but now he slobbers constantly so I'm still constantly wiping his face off. He rolls onto his side but doesn't roll all the way over yet. It's not very often it happens, but he has a bit of a temper that comes out. I have to admit it makes me a little scared for what he may come up with as he gets older. Carter "talks" all the time. He loves when you repeat his noises back to him. It makes him smile. When he gets upset and ramps up his crying he makes a noise that sounds like a horse neighing. It always makes me smile when he does it.

We had lots of adventures this month. We went to the pumpkin patch and picked Carter's first pumpkin. The weather was nice and it was lots of fun. We went with Emily and her girls and I think they each came up with a perfect pumpkin for him. The patch is owned by my Dad's friend so we could get all the pumpkins we wanted and as a result we came home with the back of the van full. 

Carter got to go on his first UEA trip with the ladies and kids. Janalee had a doctor appointment in Salt Lake earlier in the week so we went early. We ended up spending a week in Park City at the condo we rented. Dad and Matt spent the first part of the week with us and then Karen, Marlee, Emily, Natalie and the kids came for the second part of the week. The place we rented was really nice. The leaves were turning and it was a beautiful time of year to be there.

The next week was the deer hunt. Marijka, Carter and I went up for dinner with the guys. Dad, Bruce, and Ron were there. Carter put on a good show and showed them his smiles. When we got there Dad and Ron were getting ready to go up the mountain in the Rhino. We put Carter in his snow suit and went with them. He sat between Dad and I and was perfectly content looking around. It was noisy and bumpy and he totally enjoyed it. He even fell asleep for a few minutes. 

Mom, Marlee, Marijka and I decided to dress up as witches for Halloween. I had planned to dress Carter up as Mickey Mouse but with this decision I had to of course dress him up as my black cat. We found a cute beanie with cat ears and a face on it. He looked adorable. With Tom as our escort we dressed up and went to Witchapalooza in Ogden the Saturday before Halloween. The weather cooperated and it was really warm. We had a fun time.

 

It's Enough

There is a comfort in listening to Carter's breathing as I lay awake again tonight. I like to watch him as he sleeps. He is so perfect. He is peaceful. Something my soul is longing for. Peace. 

A year ago I made some choices that sent my life into a tailspin. Since Carter's birth I have been doing well. I've been, dare I say it, happy. But with the changing of the seasons came the memories of where I was and what I was doing a year ago and I don't feel at peace. When I lay down at night my mind turns on and I can't shut it off. This is a familiar place. I've spent immeasurable nights with these thoughts. Nights I wish I had a strong arm wrapped around me as I lay my head on his chest. Instead I lay in bed alone with my mind spinning. It's a very poor substitute. I miss him greatly. It's the little things I miss the most. A hand to hold, a smile, hugs, his kiss. It's hard.

I'll lie here and watch the time move slowly. Soon Carter will stir. Then he'll start to fuss and I'll have an excuse to pull him into bed with me for a little bit while he eats. To often lately my tears fall on his soft little head. But for a moment I'll find the peace I look for as I cuddle his soft little body close and smell his sweet baby scent. He is perfection and he's mine. It's more than enough.

Carter - 3 Months Old

Carter is 3 months old now. He no longer has the look of a small baby. His body has filled out so his arms and legs are no longer skin and bones. He is totally adorable. He has found his hands and spends a great deal of time sucking on them and mine when he gets hold of them. H drools a lot, but no sign of any teeth. He smiles a lot now. He recognizes my voice and starts looking for me when I come into the room. He is still really good riding in the car. He likes to have someone in the back with him. He doesn't like being alone. If I lay him down in his room and leave he will wake up and start fussing within about 5 minutes. If I lay him down and stay in the room with him and read or something for about 15 minutes or so he will drop into a deep sleep and usually be fine.

He had his first experiences with swimming. He didn't like the pool at Jan's condo. It was cold and he let me know he wasn't happy. Dad lowered the temp in the hot tub and took him in there and he loved it. He could have stayed in there forever but I made him get out so he didn't get overheated.

Carter's blessing was in sacrament meeting on Sunday, September 7th surrounded by his village of family and friends. He was blessed by my Dad who was assisted by Kyle's brothers Kevin and Kory, His Dad Don, my brother-in-law Matt, my cousins Brett, Sean and Greg, and Bishop Hamilton. It was really special and yet it was also a hard day. Kyle and I had discussed the day he would bless our baby several times. It was bittersweet. It was amazing that it was my baby being blessed, but sad that his Dad couldn't be there to do it. My Dad did a great job and gave him a beautiful blessing.

Afterwards we came to Mom and Dad's and had brunch on the patio. Marijka made crepes and we had a make your own crepe bar. It was really good. I loved seeing Carter's cousins fighting over who got to hold him. They are such cute boys. I got a picture of them all together. It was an accomplishment to get them all looking the same direction. 

The Huntington's walk was on Saturday the 13th this year. My birthday is the 11th and so I bought myself a hotel stay on Priceline and took Mom, Dad, and Carter with me. We stayed from the 11th to the 14th. We took Carter to the RV show and he slept through it in his stroller. The Huntington walk was nice. Matt pushed me around the park for the walk part in a wheelchair. With a knee brace on the left leg and a boot on the right it wasn't possible for me to walk it. Matt, Jan, Natalie, MaryAnn and her family came. It was a nice morning.

Suffering Is Optional

Tonight Mom, Marijka, and I were able to attend the VIP showing of The Relics & Artifacts of Joseph Smith & Church History exhibit that opens tomorrow night at The Joseph Smith Building. It was really neat to see an original first edition Book of Mormon. Joseph Smith's sword was on display, and a cane Emma Smith had made from Joseph's original coffin. There was an organ there that someone carried across the plains so their 11 year old son could continue to play. The son became the first organist in the Tabernacle. There were many other replicas of things from that time period. 

Kimberly and Brian Smith who are descendants of Joseph Smith sang a song about Emma Smith. I don't know the name but when they sang about how she was widowed young and her children wouldn't know their father it hit a little close to home and it brought me to tears. 

I in no way measure up to the strength and courage of Emma Smith. But when Kyle and I were in Nauvoo last summer I felt of her spirit and was inspired by her courage. I felt if she could stand by Joseph through their trials and stay strong then I could stand by Kyle and survive our trials. Trials which didn't even compare to theirs. Then when Kyle and I started having problems in my mind I felt I had failed even more because of this bond I felt with Emma. That I wasn't as strong as her. I don't know if that makes sense. 

After the Smith's performance David Osmond performed. I was unaware that he has multiple sclerosis. I know his father Alan has been fighting it for years. David's program focused on how our trials can't be compared to others. We each have our own issues to deal with. His performance and message were wonderful. His parents and grandmother were sitting in the row in front of us. After he was finished he came back and sat next to me. I was so impressed as I watched him interact with them. There was so much love and mutual respect. I now have a greater admiration for both Alan and David and the positive attitudes they both exhibit in the face of such challenges. 

I am so grateful to Tauna Nessler, my American Family insurance agent, for inviting me tonight. My experiences this evening helped me realize that I live in a different time than Emma Smith and my trials are my own. It doesn't lessen the connection I've felt with her. Just because I've handled my issues differently doesn't mean I've failed.

I had hoped when Kyle passed away it meant the time I spend in doctor offices would decrease greatly. Unfortunately that hasn't been the case. As some of you know I passed out and fell a couple of weeks after Carter was born. My doctors say I tore the MCL in my left knee and the Achilles' tendon in my right leg. I've been in a knee brace for the last 6 weeks for the MCL and the doctor said today it will be another 2 weeks. I've been in a boot for 3 weeks for the Achilles and my leg isn't feeling any better. In fact it feels worse. I go to that doctor Wednesday and we will see what he says. 

At my follow up appointment with my gynecologist a few weeks ago I had a Pap smear. It came back abnormal. I had a colposcopy today and it showed precancerous cells. I'll know by the end of the week if they are low grade or high grade cells. If they are low grade my body should fight them off and I just have to have another test in 6 months to check. If they are high grade I will have a minor procedure to remove the precancerous cells and follow up tests to make sure they don't come back. There is a very small chance the cells could be cancerous. 

Last summer I was having a lot of muscle and joint pain. My doctor was trying to figure out what was causing it and we were trying different medications. When Kyle and I made the decision to step up what we had been doing regarding fertility treatments I went off the medications in case I was able to get pregnant. I didn't want to take the chance they could cause problems. After Carter was born things got worse in regards to this. Getting out of bed in the morning or getting up after sitting for very long is painful and I have a hard time moving at first. I went to my new doctor here and the options being explored are rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and sleep apnea. I'm hoping for sleep apnea as it is the easiest to deal with by far. 

Carter's head isn't round so we are going to Primary Children's Hospital next week to a specialist to make sure everything is okay. I'm sure it is, but as his doctor says it is best to make sure.

I don't share this for sympathy but to point out that my challenges are different from yours. This doesn't make my trials worse than your trials or your trials worse than mine. They are just different. How we deal with them is up to us. I've been feeling a little sorry for myself the last week or so. My experiences tonight have lifted my spirits. I know my Heavenly Father led me to where I was supposed to be. David Osmond shared these words of wisdom from his father Alan tonight, "Pain is inevitable... But suffering is optional."

5 Years Ago

Friday would have been Kyle and my 5th wedding anniversary. It makes me sad to look at these pictures from our photo album. I've changed so much in every way. I try not to wonder "what if Kyle was still alive" but it's hard. I wonder if we would still be married. I wonder how Kyle's health would be. One thing I don't have to wonder about is if I would still love him. I've never had any doubt about that. I was just having a hard time trusting and living with him. So Happy Anniversary Kyle. You will always be in my heart. 

Carter's Birth Video

Here is a video I made using the pictures from Carter's birth and our stay in the hospital: http://youtu.be/8b3tlaLKtrA.  If you choose to watch it I hope you enjoy it.

Carter's Birth Announcement

Front

Back

Carter - 2 Months Old

Carter is now 2 months old. Of course he is still cute and adorable. He makes eye contact now. He often smiles at me when I talk to him. He makes gooing and cooing noises now. His eyelashes are getting longer and darker. He is 23" long and weighs about 10 1/2 pounds. He doesn't have his 2 month appointment with the doctor until the 9th. He will get his first shots then and I'm not looking forward to it. He still pulls lots of funny faces. He moves his arms a lot but not as much as he use to. He doesn't do the arm straight in the air thing as often anymore. He moves his legs a lot more now than he did before. If I come into a room he is in and start talking he will recognize my voice and start looking around. Unless he's playing his new game of pretending the person trying to get his attention doesn't exist. He will then look anywhere but at them. It's quite funny.

He is still pretty good in the car although when he feels like he's had enough he lets me know it. As soon as I take him out of his car seat and lay him down he immediately raises his arms above his head and stretches out as long as he can. We went to Yellowstone this last weekend over Labor Day. Sadly it rained most of the time. So Carter basically spent 3 1/2 days in his car seat and was so good. Unfortunately we saw very few animals.

On Aug 23rd Carter rolled from his stomach to his back. It makes tummy time a little difficult now. He enjoys swinging in his swing and stretching out on the floor. I still have to fight my Mom for him and my Dad is so cute with him. He and Carter like to nap together. Sometimes when Mom has been tending I'll come home and go looking for them and find Mom and Dad in bed with Carter in the middle. It's really sweet. 

He is growing too fast. He is such a good baby and we are still having lots of fun with him.

Carter - 1 Month Old

Carter is 1 month old today. I can't believe it's already been a month. He is the cutest thing. Definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's my little love bug.

We went to Park City for several days last week with Mom, Dad, and Janalee. Marlee, Tom, and Matt were there for a day or two. Carter did great. It was really hot in the condo and he loved to lay in just his diaper and kick and stretch. We are now in Bear Lake and he is happy here too. Luckily he is really good in his car seat and in the car. He fusses here and there, but for the most part dozes off.

Carter moves his arms all the time. Even in his sleep. He isn't a quiet sleeper. He is always making noises. He's been that way since the first night in the hospital. He must have bad dreams because he will cry out in the saddest voice when he's sleeping. His sad/upset cry is different than his mad/frustrated cry. I'm starting to get them all straight.

Mom is a huge help. I have to fight her to get to hold him. Every few nights she will get up with him during the night and let me sleep. She loves him so much and is so good to him. I am very blessed to be living with her and Dad. At first Dad seemed really nervous to even touch him, but now he'll take him and hold him and talk to him. It's cute. They were hanging out on the front deck today looking at the lake. He's definitely the family favorite. The only one who doesn't take him to hold immediately when they come in the door is Tyler. He steers pretty clear of him.

It amazes me how I instantly fell in love with this little guy when he was born. As soon as I saw him I loved him and would have done anything to protect him. It's an incredible feeling. I wouldn't have thought I was someone who could sit and talk to a baby about nothing, but we have great conversations. He has randomly smiled since he was born and has even giggled in his sleep a couple of times. Tonight Mom was playing with him when she was getting him ready for bed and he smiled at her. I think it's the first time he's smiled at something in particular.

He has a good grip and loves to get hold of your finger. I can't believe how soft his skin is. He has a darker skin tone than me. Hopefully he won't sunburn as easily as I do. He eats 3 to 4 ounces every 3 to 4 hours. Breast feeding hasn't gone well and he is mostly on formula. I give him what I can pump, but it's only a couple of ounces a day.

He pulls the funniest faces. He likes to pucker up his lips. When he does he gets a kiss from Mom and then he gives me a dirty look. He will lift his right arm up straight out in front of him a little above his head and stretch his hand out fully. He gets high fives when he does that. He currently has big blue eyes. We will see if they stay that color. 

Carter's Birth Story

Carter was due on July 24th. My "birth plan" consisted of my Mom and sisters being with me and having an epidural as soon as I could. My family typically spends the 4th of July in Bear Lake. My Mom left at 5:00 Wednesday night and went over to join pretty much my whole family. My youngest sister Marijka and I both worked Wednesday. I had an ultrasound scheduled to measure the baby on Thursday morning and Marijka needed to work so we were still home and planning on going over Thursday after we were done. I was looking forward to relaxing for a few days at the Lake.

At 8:30 I went in to go to the bathroom. As I moved to stand up I heard and felt a little pop. There was a little blood on the tissue. I went back to helping Marijka pick up the house but felt like I needed to go again. There was more blood on the tissue and some in my garments. I had a weird pain so I took a towel and went and sat in the front room. I had more uncomfortable pains. I was worried about the blood and did a little internet research but came up with nothing helpful. I didn't know if I was having contractions for sure but they hurt a lot. I started timing them and they were a couple of minutes apart. I called the hospital. She said she could get me in touch with the doctor on call. She asked about contractions. When I said they were a couple of minutes apart she said I could come get checked if I wanted. I said I was going to for my own peace of mind. When I hung up Marijka was standing there with the keys and said let's go. The only thing I remembered to take was a charger for my phone. I didn't even remember my purse.

By the time we were passing Gossner's the pain was unbearable and coming every 90 seconds. By 14th north I quit timing because I didn't want to know how fast they were. There were times I wanted to push. Marijka was holding my hand and being awesome. I kept telling her to drive safe. Marijka had called Mom but I called her again and told her to come now.

We got to the hospital and Marijka grabbed a wheelchair. I had a contraction getting in it, one in the elevator, and one at the admit desk. They took me back and wanted a urine sample and me to change into a gown, etc. Marijka got a gown on me and got me on the bed. I told the aide I needed to push. I think it finally got her attention. She grabbed a nurse from the hall. She checked me and calmly called on her intercom thing for a table and a doctor. I asked if I was dilated and she said I was pretty close. I was at what they called a full plus 3, which I later found out meant the baby was crowning.

The room filled with people. They were trying to get an IV in with no luck. Marijka was trying to help me breathe through the contractions which were coming constantly. Poor Marijka. I kept telling her to get pictures with our phones. She had everyone from Bear Lake calling her. She was awesome from start to finish. I wanted to push and the pain was unbearable. They kept telling me I had to wait for Dr. McCulloch. Then she got there and I had to wait for her to get a gown on. Thankfully she told them to forget the IV, we were having a baby now. A few long painful pushes and he was here. 

My water broke at 8:30. We got to the admin desk at 9:20 and Carter Ric Willis was born at 9:45. He weighed 7lbs 1oz. He was 19.25" long. He was fine until the next morning when his blood sugar dropped. The had to take him to the NICU to get it regulated. He did well and was able to go home with me on Friday the 4th.

I can't believe how much I love him. He is such a sweet baby. I couldn't ask for anything more.

My Mom

I meant to have this posted for Mother’s Day, but it didn’t happen. If you don’t know my Mom you are missing out. Life is never boring with her around. Mom is one of those people that bizarre things just happen to without her meaning to cause them. She definitely fits part of the blonde mentality. Mom has a big heart and is always worried about everyone’s feelings.  She doesn’t want anyone to ever feel bad or be hurt. My Grandma Ila use to always tell us, “Now don’t be saying anything that’s going to cause trouble.” Grandma didn’t like contention in the family and Mom is just like that.

Until I was 18 years old Mom provided child care in our home. She could have 10 kids under the age of 5 on any given day. I would have gone insane. I don’t know how she did it. It takes a special personality to be able to handle that. My cousins were part of “her kids” and as a result we are all very close.  They are all still “her kids”. When Jan and I got home from school we were expected to help. I am grateful I was taught to be responsible at a young age. Mom taught us well.

One of the few constants in my life has always been my Mom. It is a great comfort to know she is always going to be there when I need her. All it takes is a phone call and she is on her way. No questions asked. Mom spent many nights in the hospital with Kyle so I could go home and get some rest. She always made sure we were both taken care of. Her and Dad took Kyle home and took care of him when I couldn’t due to work. They have been such a huge help and support for me. They are the perfect example of unconditional love. It never wavers.

Mom puts up with a lot from us kids. We tease her a lot. Years ago she took her girls, Emily, and Natalie to Disneyland. She looked the whole time for the perfect keychain that said Paula on it. She finally bought one on the last day. When we got home she got it out to show my Dad and the name on it wasn’t Paula, it was Dorothy. To this day we have no idea how she managed it. That same trip while walking back to the hotel from Disneyland at midnight she caught her foot on a crack and fell flat on her face in the middle of the crosswalk. We got her up and got her off the street. The next morning she had a bruise on her chin in the shape of a mickey mouse head. Mom spends a lot of time on the ground. She is well known for tripping and falling. The last few years it’s because of her legs, but she didn’t use to have an excuse. She was standing in the backyard last night and realized she was on really uneven ground and there wasn’t a smooth path out. She refused to move until we came and helped her walk to the sidewalk. I feel bad that she has to be that worried about it. Hopefully when she has her knee renovated again this fall it won’t be such a concern anymore.

Mom can drive me totally crazy and yet I couldn’t love her more. I will never be able to give back to her all that she gives me every day. I love her so much. 

Happy Birthday Marlee!!!

Today is my sister Marlee's birthday. Marlee is my best friend. She's the one I called the night my pregnancy test was positive and I went into panic mode. When the what was I thinking, I'm too old for this, etc. thoughts started running thru my head. She calmed me right down and reminded me this was a great thing and everything would be fine. I wouldn't have made it through the last few years without her love and support. She graduated from Utah State University last Saturday with her teaching degree in Special Education. She already has been offered a job. She is the new special education teacher at Sky View High School. I am so excited for her. On top of this great accomplishment she is marrying her sweetheart Tom on June 14th.

Things have not been easy for Marlee. In high school she became ill. She threw up everything she ate, and I mean everything. She missed a lot of school. They could not figure out what the problem was. They finally told her it was an emotional thing, but we weren't buying it. Finally once when she was really sick Mom put her in the car and drove her to Salt Lake to the emergency room at Primary Children's Hospital. It was eventually discovered she had a severe bowel blockage. After a stay there she was able to come home with the right medications and things got better. During this time she kept up with all her school stuff. When she finished she had a high enough GPA that she got a scholarship to Snow College.

College wasn't a great time for her. She and her best friend since 2nd grade, who basically lived with us for several years went their separate ways. College just wasn't a great experience for her. After a year and a half we were able to convince her to come back home.

She went back to school a few years ago and has worked so hard for her degree. I am so proud of her for overcoming everything she has and becoming the amazing woman she is. Marlee has a great sense of humor. The weekends she is in Idaho with Tom are very boring. I am not looking forward to her moving out after the wedding. I am going to miss having her around. I'm counting on the baby to bring her around frequently.

When Marlee was about 3 years old I came home and went into my bedroom to find her sitting on the floor surrounded by a mess. She had been pulling the tape out of all of my cassette tapes. She looked up at me and said, "It's not naughty, huh Kami." She always made it very hard to get mad at her. She use to put on one of our nightgowns, my Dad's cowboy boots, and sunglasses. She would get a mug and walk around to all of us, hold up the mug, and say, "Penny for the poor" and wait until you gave in. She tried the mug thing again recently and it didn't work nearly as well for her as it did when she was 4. 

Marlee has always believed she is a princess. I am so glad she found a great guy who treats her like one. Tom is a wonderful guy and we are so happy he is part of our family. I love Marlee so much. She is a great example for me. She has some big changes ahead of her and I know she is going to be awesome! 

Kyle's Birthday

Today is Kyle's birthday. He would have been 41. I always made a big deal about his birthday and it seems really weird not to be doing so today. I wish his grave was closer and more convenient. I remind myself that he isn't there so it doesn't really matter. After my Grandpa LaMar died I got a lot of comfort from going to the cemetery over the years. But with Grandma Ila and Grandpa Farrell I've never felt that. I talk to Kyle a lot in my head. It would sure be nice to get some answers to the questions I have, but I have to deal with the fact that I won't be getting them.

Whenever Kyle would leave and I was still in bed he would come in and stand by my side of the bed, lean over and brush my hair back with his chin, rest his chin on my neck and say goodbye. In the middle of the night on the 8th. I woke up out of a dead sleep. I was facing the middle of the bed. I could feel Kyle standing behind me. He brushed my hair back, said goodbye and was gone. I know he was there.

I miss him everyday. I think of things I want to tell him or discuss with him. My brain has finally processed that there isn't going to be a daily text coming from him. Even when we were having problems he sent me a text everyday telling me how much he loved me, how beautiful I am, etc. Sometimes it was frustrating because I felt like he wasn't dealing with our issues. Now I would love to receive just one more.

I can't believe it's been 8 weeks. I think of how happy he would have been to feel the baby move. It breaks my heart he isn't here for all of it. I wrote this post about Kyle last year for his birthday: "Happy Birthday Sweetheart". How much things can change in a year. I love you Kyle and I always will. I miss you every day.

My Mother-In-Law, Hydee

My mother-in-law Hydee's birthday is today and it got me to thinking about her. Hydee and I have been through a lot together in the relatively short time I've known her. We've stood together over Kyle's stiff, unresponsive body waiting for the paramedics and breathing a sigh of relief together when they brought him out of it. Waited in more hospital waiting rooms than I care to remember. I'm ashamed to admit that I have never fully appreciated her for the strong woman that she. I would like to think I am seeing things more clearly now the last month or two.

Hydee is an amazing woman. She has more strength, determination, stamina, willpower, and imagination in her little finger than I will ever possess in my whole life. Hydee is not afraid to take a chance. She is a true entrepreneur. From the time her kids were little she has been taking her original ideas, creating them, and selling them. She currently owns, operates, and creates magic at Creative Expressions. 

She has raised 5 great children. Kevin, Karianne, Kory, and Katrina are all amazing in their own right and have wonderful spouses and children. There isn't much the Willis family can't accomplish when they put their talents together with Hydee as the ringleader. 

I was telling my family a couple of months ago what amazing grandparents Don and Hydee are. I told them that any child would be blessed to have them for grandparents and be part of their family. I don't see many Grandma's these days wrestling on the ground, jumping on the trampoline, and having water fights with their grandkids.  But it's a regular occurrence with Hydee. I loved the times Hydee took us to Lake Powell and only wish I could have made it there with the whole Willis family at least once. I've heard great stories of those trips. 

I just wanted to take this chance to let everyone know how much love and respect I have for Hydee. I will be forever grateful to her for raising a beautiful son with an amazingly special spirit. He brought a lot of love into my life. Hydee and Don helped Kyle and I out in so many ways. They selflessly took us into their home and did everything they could to make us feel welcome and comfortable. Even in her own grief Hydee has been worrying and checking up on me. Thank you for being an amazing Mom and loving and caring for Kyle. I know it wasn't an easy path, but you made his life here mean more than it ever could have if he hadn't had you for his Mom. He would want me to remind you how much he loved you. I love you too.

Memories of Island Park

I've been in Island Park this last week. My parents have a time share here. My Dad's parents bought it years ago. I have lots of memories associated with this place. 

One of my earlier memories is being here with my grandparents and finding my Easter basket on the water heater. Others include: playing in the snow; swimming at the clubhouse; playing games; and reading a lot. For many years we snowmobiled every winter.  Those memories include my sister Janalee tearing up her shoulder, following a moose down a trail, crashing and putting my face into the windshield getting a bloody nose, and rescuing/recovering broken machines. 

One year Dad got frostbite when his snowmobile sank through into some water we didn't know was there.  Lucky we were still close by. Getting him out and back here to the condo was scary. He was so cold he couldn't even help get his gear off. In hindsight we should have taken him to the hospital. But he's stubborn. He had nerve damage in his legs that took years to heal.

The summer before my cousin Brian left for his mission the Petersen's, Grandma Ila, and our family rented a condo and all came up here together. We had a really good time together and made some great memories.

When my Mom was suffering from severe depression our trip that year was awful. She had a major meltdown and took off in the car and was gone for hours. She couldn't even tell us where she had been. That was the year that on the way up at the Wendy's in Blackfoot Dad told me she had told him she wanted a divorce. He told her he wasn't going anywhere. Luckily he stuck with her until they got her medication regulated and she came back to herself. My parents are great examples of sticking together through the good and the bad. 

The Summer of 2008 most of the Petersen's and all the Anderson's rented a large, beautiful cabin and came together. Gracie and Garrett were the youngest at that time. There was golfing, fishing, trips into Yellowstone to see the animals, and lots of fun. It's a blessing we all still enjoy being together and can have fun. 

As I said before there are lots of memories from here. Hopefully there will be many more happy memories to come with little Carter and his grandparents, cousins, etc. as we move forward.