Winter Doldrums

I have written dozens of blog posts in my head, but I convince myself they shouldn’t be shared and I’m most likely right.

I’m not in a great place right now. This time of year is never good for my mental well being. Add in the disaster of my personal life and I’m pretty much barely functioning. Getting out of bed every morning is a major accomplishment. I sleep about 5 hours on a good night. 

I feel like I’m failing on so many levels. I’m distracted and have a hard time thinking clearly at work. That’s never a good thing and even worse when it’s a new job.  My parent’s basement is full of all my stuff and the thought of going through it and getting things organized is overwhelming. It’s a good thing they are patient. I feel like I take advantage of Marijka and her willingness to help me. I could be doing more to help Marlee with her wedding planning. My church attendance needs major improvement. As I said there isn’t much I feel like I am getting right. Sometimes life is just hard.

Goodbye 2013

Well I made it through the holidays with only 5 or 6 major emotional breakdowns. Most of them in private thank goodness. I had 2 separate battles with a nasty stomach bug which didn't help things. You know when I got married I was determined things wouldn't end up this way and yet here I am. I hate it. It is awful. Every bad thing you have heard or witnessed about a marriage falling apart is true. Every conversation between us ends with one or both of us in tears and me feeling like I have kicked a puppy. Kyle is a good man but I'm afraid it is time to just let go and walk away. It is hard, so hard.

ABC's of Thanksgiving: Letter Z

I am grateful for "Z"oos. I love going to the zoo. I think it is great that animals no longer capable of living and surviving in their natural habitats are given the chance to live. I think it is fun to be able to see animals I would probably not get the opportunity to otherwise see. We all went to the zoo this year on Brooklyn's birthday and had a great time. I have wonderful memories of visiting the zoo.

ABC's of Thanksgiving: Letter Y

I am thankful for all of "Y"ou my friends and family. I realize there probably aren't that many people who read my blog but I am grateful for those of you who do. In reality I probably blog more for me than you, but it is nice of you to read what I write. I'm having a hard time putting my feelings into words lately. If tears counted there would be pages for you to read. It's hard when you know you are hurting someone you love. I'm having a hard time not feeling selfish for needing to focus on my self. Thank you for your love and support. 

ABC's of Thanksgiving: Letter X

I am thankful for "X"-Rays. Because of x-rays the doctor was able to determine my knees could be fixed with physical therapy rather than having them operated on again. Modern medical technology is amazing. 

ABC's of Thanksgiving: Letter W

I am thankful for my Grandma and Grandpa "W"right. I grew up living next door to my grandparents and it was a blessing. My Grandpa died when I was 10. It was devastating to lose someone who I saw everyday and was such a big part of my life. I'm glad we lived next to Grandma and were able to help her and keep her company for the 20 years she lived without him. It was like having a second Mom. I have to admit we didn't always see eye to eye and she wasn't afraid of telling me or anyone else what she thought. I sure loved her anyway.

I am grateful for the opportunity we had to take care of her the last few years of her life. It really brought Susan and our families together and helped us form the closeness and love we have for each other today. My grandparents taught me the importance of service and helping others. They were both great examples of that. They both lived what they taught and that was a great lesson for me. It's easy to talk the talk but walking the walk is harder to do. But they did that in every aspect of their lives.

I think about what advice my Grandma Ila would have for me today and I cry. I know she would be my biggest supporter. I would get her life is hard lecture, but it would be accompanied by total love, support, and compassion. Boy do I miss them. 

ABC's of Thanksgiving: Letter V

I am grateful for "V"acations. I always look forward to vacations from work and every day life. It's not that I don't like working or my life. I feel I give my employer all of me when I am there and that I do what I do well. I just know myself and that I need to take opportunities to recharge and refocus and time away helps me do that. I already talked the other day on here about my love for traveling and I think this is a part of that. I take every chance I get to step away from my every day life and decompress and I think I am a better employee and person because of that.

ARUP really emphasized the importance of a work/life balance and I can see the importance of that. I don't think it is healthy to become too focused on your work. If you work full-time then you already spend more time at work than doing anything else in your life. So when you get the chance, take a step back and don't feel guilty for doing so. When we die it is our family we take with us not what we have accomplished at work. If I had the money I would be taking advantage of time off next week and would be enjoying a much needed vacation.