Kyle's Birthday

Today is Kyle's birthday. He would have been 41. I always made a big deal about his birthday and it seems really weird not to be doing so today. I wish his grave was closer and more convenient. I remind myself that he isn't there so it doesn't really matter. After my Grandpa LaMar died I got a lot of comfort from going to the cemetery over the years. But with Grandma Ila and Grandpa Farrell I've never felt that. I talk to Kyle a lot in my head. It would sure be nice to get some answers to the questions I have, but I have to deal with the fact that I won't be getting them.

Whenever Kyle would leave and I was still in bed he would come in and stand by my side of the bed, lean over and brush my hair back with his chin, rest his chin on my neck and say goodbye. In the middle of the night on the 8th. I woke up out of a dead sleep. I was facing the middle of the bed. I could feel Kyle standing behind me. He brushed my hair back, said goodbye and was gone. I know he was there.

I miss him everyday. I think of things I want to tell him or discuss with him. My brain has finally processed that there isn't going to be a daily text coming from him. Even when we were having problems he sent me a text everyday telling me how much he loved me, how beautiful I am, etc. Sometimes it was frustrating because I felt like he wasn't dealing with our issues. Now I would love to receive just one more.

I can't believe it's been 8 weeks. I think of how happy he would have been to feel the baby move. It breaks my heart he isn't here for all of it. I wrote this post about Kyle last year for his birthday: "Happy Birthday Sweetheart". How much things can change in a year. I love you Kyle and I always will. I miss you every day.

My Mother-In-Law, Hydee

My mother-in-law Hydee's birthday is today and it got me to thinking about her. Hydee and I have been through a lot together in the relatively short time I've known her. We've stood together over Kyle's stiff, unresponsive body waiting for the paramedics and breathing a sigh of relief together when they brought him out of it. Waited in more hospital waiting rooms than I care to remember. I'm ashamed to admit that I have never fully appreciated her for the strong woman that she. I would like to think I am seeing things more clearly now the last month or two.

Hydee is an amazing woman. She has more strength, determination, stamina, willpower, and imagination in her little finger than I will ever possess in my whole life. Hydee is not afraid to take a chance. She is a true entrepreneur. From the time her kids were little she has been taking her original ideas, creating them, and selling them. She currently owns, operates, and creates magic at Creative Expressions. 

She has raised 5 great children. Kevin, Karianne, Kory, and Katrina are all amazing in their own right and have wonderful spouses and children. There isn't much the Willis family can't accomplish when they put their talents together with Hydee as the ringleader. 

I was telling my family a couple of months ago what amazing grandparents Don and Hydee are. I told them that any child would be blessed to have them for grandparents and be part of their family. I don't see many Grandma's these days wrestling on the ground, jumping on the trampoline, and having water fights with their grandkids.  But it's a regular occurrence with Hydee. I loved the times Hydee took us to Lake Powell and only wish I could have made it there with the whole Willis family at least once. I've heard great stories of those trips. 

I just wanted to take this chance to let everyone know how much love and respect I have for Hydee. I will be forever grateful to her for raising a beautiful son with an amazingly special spirit. He brought a lot of love into my life. Hydee and Don helped Kyle and I out in so many ways. They selflessly took us into their home and did everything they could to make us feel welcome and comfortable. Even in her own grief Hydee has been worrying and checking up on me. Thank you for being an amazing Mom and loving and caring for Kyle. I know it wasn't an easy path, but you made his life here mean more than it ever could have if he hadn't had you for his Mom. He would want me to remind you how much he loved you. I love you too.

Memories of Island Park

I've been in Island Park this last week. My parents have a time share here. My Dad's parents bought it years ago. I have lots of memories associated with this place. 

One of my earlier memories is being here with my grandparents and finding my Easter basket on the water heater. Others include: playing in the snow; swimming at the clubhouse; playing games; and reading a lot. For many years we snowmobiled every winter.  Those memories include my sister Janalee tearing up her shoulder, following a moose down a trail, crashing and putting my face into the windshield getting a bloody nose, and rescuing/recovering broken machines. 

One year Dad got frostbite when his snowmobile sank through into some water we didn't know was there.  Lucky we were still close by. Getting him out and back here to the condo was scary. He was so cold he couldn't even help get his gear off. In hindsight we should have taken him to the hospital. But he's stubborn. He had nerve damage in his legs that took years to heal.

The summer before my cousin Brian left for his mission the Petersen's, Grandma Ila, and our family rented a condo and all came up here together. We had a really good time together and made some great memories.

When my Mom was suffering from severe depression our trip that year was awful. She had a major meltdown and took off in the car and was gone for hours. She couldn't even tell us where she had been. That was the year that on the way up at the Wendy's in Blackfoot Dad told me she had told him she wanted a divorce. He told her he wasn't going anywhere. Luckily he stuck with her until they got her medication regulated and she came back to herself. My parents are great examples of sticking together through the good and the bad. 

The Summer of 2008 most of the Petersen's and all the Anderson's rented a large, beautiful cabin and came together. Gracie and Garrett were the youngest at that time. There was golfing, fishing, trips into Yellowstone to see the animals, and lots of fun. It's a blessing we all still enjoy being together and can have fun. 

As I said before there are lots of memories from here. Hopefully there will be many more happy memories to come with little Carter and his grandparents, cousins, etc. as we move forward.

The Funeral

We woke up to a beautiful day Saturday morning. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day for the funeral and burial. Dad, Mom, and I got over to the church a little before the viewing was to start and there were people starting to come. 

Jan, Matt, Marlee, Tom, Marijka, and Karen Luthi had stayed down and were there for me. Maggie Porter came and joined them. They formed the main support team for me. 

My friends Stacey Jeppesen, Nicky Garcia, and Connie Porter. The Brimhall's from my previous ward came. My aunt Patt Hansen was there with her mom MaryBell and sister Krista. I was very touched that they would all make the effort to come for me. 

The viewing was worse than the night before because Kyle's nephews were there and having a really hard time. It was really hard to watch them cry and have no idea how to make it any easier for them. It was really hard to watch everyone say goodby and close the casket. Kyle's Uncle Dick gave a nice prayer for the family. 

The funeral was very special. Kevin gave a wonderful tribute. I appreciated that he used the obituary I wrote. Dad and Karianne's talks were right on. They couldn't have been more perfect. 

When Bishop Yates got up to give his closing remarks he said he felt impressed to let Kyle's nieces and nephews know that there will be times during their lives when their Uncle Kyle will be with them in spirit watching out for them. It was a confirmation of a thought I had been having about Kyle now being their special guardian angel. He loves them all so much. 

The cemetery where he is buried is up east of Draper on 10600 South. We did the procession up there. It's a huge facility. 

Kyle's brothers and some cousins were the pall bearers and his nephews were the honorary pall bearers. The nephews lined up and walked in front of the casket over to the grave. They were all wearing their sunglasses like Uncle Kyle did. Kevin, Kory, Jason, and Kory all had theirs on as well. 

I put my corsage on the casket and took Kyle's hat that was there. I gave it to him as a gift for our wedding. It gave me a little comfort to hold it. Kyle's dad Don did a nice job dedicating the grave. One of Kyle's cousins had brought 40 white balloons for us to let go. It was very special to stand and watch them float away.  It was beautiful. 

My support crew and I went back to the church for the dinner. It was really nice and we enjoyed spending some time together. Kyle never had a great relationship with my siblings or Karen. I think the whole day was an opportunity for us all to come to some understanding of the past years. There was healing and mending of relationships. It turned out to be a very special, emotional day. 

We went back to the hotel and crashed. I was really glad we had decided to stay. The thought of having to go home and unpack and everything was more than I could deal with at that point.

The Viewing

I knew Friday was going to be a hard day and I dreaded it. We stayed around the hotel in the morning and Dad brought us some lunch. I had overheard one of the ladies say the mortuary would be open at 4:00. The viewing didn't start until 6:00. But I didn't want a crowd when I saw Kyle. 

After Mom, Dad, and I were ready Mom said a really nice prayer and Dad gave me a blessing. I pulled myself together and we left. We got there about the same time as Don and Hydee. Hydee had been there earlier and dressed Kyle in his temple clothes. 

I went in and spent a few minutes by the casket with Kyle. Up until the moment you see the body it's easier to convince yourself it isn't happening. He looked awful. It wasn't my Kyle in there. I would have been better off not seeing the body. I remember telling him things weren't suppose to end this way. I fell apart but pulled myself back together. 

After that the mortuary pulled me into the office to sign a form they needed. It stated that I turned the rights over to Kyle's parents and that I agreed with the decisions made. Hydee, Don, and their family did a good job making the arrangements. If I could have changed one thing it would have been to have the nice programs made that the mortuary prints out for the funeral. Other than that it was everything I could have wanted. 

It's hard to know where you fit in a situation like this. It's very awkward. The whole mortuary experience was hard and uncomfortable. I kind of hung around off to the side of the casket. If someone came in who only knew me I would go visit with them for a few minutes so they didn't feel they needed to go through the line. I was touched by my friends and family who came to support me. People often surprise me. 

Once everything was over my family left to go back to the hotel. We stopped at The Brick Oven for dinner. I wish I'd had more of an appetite as the food was very good.  

After things settled down and I was laying in bed I felt the baby move for the first time. It was amazing. I guess he knew I needed a pick me up. Something to get me through the funeral. I knew it was going to be a really emotional day. I was praying I could hold things together. 

Day of Blessings

On Thursday morning (Mar 6th) we met Katrina, Karianne, and Mandy at Berrett's Blossoms, a local flower shop to order the flowers for the funeral. They were so nice and did a beautiful job on the flowers.

That afternoon Mom and Dad went to a doctor appointment and I went to the hotel and made some phone calls. Kyle was receiving disability benefits through Social Security so I called them to let them know he had died. I discovered that the baby will be able to get some money once he is born. I didn't know that so it was wonderful to find out.

I had a little life insurance on Kyle from when I worked at ARUP. I have been going back and forth with CIGNA to get it transferred to a personal policy for the last couple of months. I mailed the paperwork and premiums Tuesday morning. Because of all the back and forth I had no idea whether I actually had the insurance or not. I was worried they would use the confusion to deny the claim. It turns out they were very nice and said once they received the check they would use the date on it, which was the 3rd, to record the payment and everything should be fine. It was a huge relief to know I will have that to help with the burial expenses. 

I turned out to be a day of blessings. I really felt my Heavenly Father's love for me. I strongly believe he is looking out for me in all of this.

Time's Moving Too Fast

Kyle has been gone for 4 weeks. First how can he just be gone and second how can it have been that long already? I'm having a very hard time. I hate the part of the day when I have to get out of bed and participate in real life. I love and crave sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake. 

I ran onto this video of Kyle today. We were leaving a hotel to go on a cruise and he was on an excited high. He was singing "We're going on a cruise woo hoo" while doing a little dance. I was only able to get the very end on video. It was a side of Kyle that not everyone ever saw. He was a lot of fun when he let loose like that. We had a great trip with my Mom and Dad.