Too Much Time To Think

I've been thinking a lot about Kyle and my relationship and how it came about that we got married. We hit it off on our first date. We parked in my driveway and talked for a long time. I knew within a few weeks I was in love with him. He went with me to the Oquirrh Mtn Temple open house. We knew when we were in the celestial room that if things worked out we wanted be married there. I was devastated the night I found out he had congestive heart failure and the diabetes on top of that. I immediately told him we would learn to deal with it. Then I went to my Mom and cried with her. I asked her if Heavenly Father would give me Kyle just to take him away. It was hard. Through the summer would have some problems and there were some red flags, but when I would pray about it and in several priesthood blessings I received I was told point blank that this marriage was the right thing for me. So I went forth totally 100% on faith. 

After we made the decision to get married we needed to meet with Kyle's bishop and get things going there. Our appt kept getting moved and we were running out of time. Kyle's mom asked me several times why we couldn't just get married and be sealed later. But once again I knew if we were getting married it had to be in the temple. What Kyle and Hydee both knew and I didn't was that Kyle hadn't been as active as he should have been. They were worried about him getting a recommend. The fact that he'd been going to church in Wellsville all summer instead of his home ward was another concern. Kyle finally had an appointment and we were in his ward for fast meeting that Sunday. I felt the need to bear my testimony and I did. The Bishop told Kyle in their interview that he felt impressed during my testimony that we needed to get married in the temple and he was to help that happen. He set up a plan where we attended church in that ward each week and the Bishop worked with Kyle for the next little while on some things. He gave Kyle his recommend for his endowment the Sunday before Kyle went through the temple to take it out. 

I am still convinced that my Heavenly Father wanted this marriage to happen even knowing the challenges we would go through. It was a couple of years later that I came to realize through a third person that they had felt since his birth that Kyle's life would not be long upon the earth. The knowledge TOTALLY devastated me and it took me a couple months of dealing with a small mental breakdown to figure out how to deal with that information. When I was doing better the same information was confirmed to me personally. It changed the way I went about dealing with things, especially the finances.  When we would get the opportunity to go on a trip or adventure I would freak out and immediately say no. We can't afford this. But after praying and thinking about it I would usually see a way we could make it work or family or someone totally random would unexpectedly help. I will NEVER regret the trips Kyle and I took. We made amazing memories and Kyle always had the time of his life.

Not quite a year ago I was driving from Salt Lake to Logan and my friend Stacey and I were on the phone talking about everything going on lately in our lives. Between the 2 of our families there is alway major medical drama. We were discussing financial hardships and I was telling her I didn't know when but I was feeling time was getting shorter for Kyle and I. The always wondering if he would be alive in the morning or when I got home after going hours with not being able to get in touch with him. Getting up and finding him watching tv with no idea how he got there or where he was had started happening more and more. When I'd check his glucose levels they would be out of wack. I told Stacey what a toll this was taking on me and I hoped I could be strong enough to continue to do it. I also think I told her I just wished I could have had a baby first so If Kyle were to die I wouldn't be totally alone. 

So now I lay here with tears running down my face as it is confirmed to me once again that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows what I need. By continually turning things over to him when things get to be more than I can handle he is blessing me with what he knows I need. I can lay here with this wiggly little guy exploring my insides and feel of both My Heavenly Father and Kyle's love.