The Shock

It didn't take long after the call from Kat before my family gathered around me. My friends Leah and Karen came. Em and Nat wanted to come but we felt the high emotions would be too much for the kids. I just felt so helpless and had nothing to do. I ended up putting a post on Facebook and soon texts and messages started pouring in. I feel very blessed by the love shown to me lately. I'm surrounded by love and concern. I know I will need it to get through the next little while. 

Bishop Yates, my bishop from South Jordan called my Mom to see how I was doing and I was able to talk with him for a few minutes. He is a very kind and compassionate man. I've met with him a couple of times and emailed with him about our situation. He's been working with Kyle and keeping an eye on him. He reassured me that the death was natural and peaceful. He asked if I knew of anything particular Kyle would want for the burial arrangements and funeral. A year after we were married Kyle had a bad dream about being in a casket and woke me up. He started talking about what he would want for a funeral and I wrote the things he told me down. That memory came back to me and I was able to tell him that Kyle hated hearses and we couldn't put him in one (I was reminded by Kyle of that every time we ever saw one) and that he wanted a casket built by his brothers. I had told Kyle that seemed pretty impossible to me and I told the Bishop the same thing. He said he would pass it on anyway. 

I remember at the time Kyle had that dream I tried to explain to him that I didn't feel dying would be a scary thing. We would get to go and be with our beloved grandparents and he would be with his Aunt Peggy. How his body would be healed and he wouldn't have any more pain. How he wouldn't really be in the casket, it would just be his body. I think some of it sunk in. He said he might get to be with them but it would mean he wasn't with me. I told him he would always be with me. We discussed many times over the years that death shouldn't be something to fear. I think it had helped change his perspective. 

Bishop Yates later shared with me that he met with Kyle the Sunday before he died. Kyle's cousin had recently passed away by suicide and Kyle was angry with God and life in general. The Bishop shared with me that he felt impressed to lead the discussion to the eternal covenants and how Kyle had received all of them he needed to move on in the next life. How in the next life Kyle wouldn't have to deal with the challenges he has had to in this life. He and the Bishop set some goals for Kyle to work on and when he left he had the twinkle back in his eye. The Bishop felt he was at peace with some of the things he'd been struggling with when he left. 

Bishop Hamilton, my bishop from here, and his counselors came over later and visited a little. They helped my Dad give me a really nice blessing that comforted me some. Joan, the Relief Society president and a good friend brought treats from Kneader's and the chocolate mousse dome cake comforted me some more. 

Mom and Dad helped me go through some stuff and find the journal with the funeral notes in it. I spoke with Hydee for a few minutes and we were able to give each other some comfort. 

Eventually everyone drifted off to bed. My Dad went downstairs and said I should sleep in with Mom. I just lay there and tried to process that my worst nightmare had just come true. The difference was I wasn't the one to find him. I was always worried I would wake up in the morning and he would be gone. There were times after trying to get hold of him for hours I would leave work to go check on him, fully expecting to find him dead. And wanting to kill him once I was assured he was okay. The last month I lived with him I had to call 911 twice because he was unresponsive. I have constantly lived with this fear for the last few years. It had taken a toll. I lay there all night going over everything in my head. Trying to process why things happened like this. The timing of it all. What Heavenly Fathers plan might be for all of it. I know there is one. I've known it since Kyle and I met the first time. This isn't the first time I've wondered how what is happening In our lives fits the plan. It's been pretty bizarre to say the least. Eventually the sun came up and found me sitting in the front room still wide awake.