More Than I Can Handle

I was in Sacrament Meeting on Sunday for the first time in too many weeks. It was testimony meeting. A brother in the ward was bearing his testimony. He said he's heard Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle. I leaned over to my Mom and told her that was not true. He actually went on to say the same thing. Another brother whose wife has cancer and has had a stroke also talked about the same thing. I know personally He gives us more than we can deal with.  If anyone can show me where it is actually stated that he doesn't please let me know. I would be interested in that. My theory is the reason for Him giving us more is so we will turn to Heavenly Father and ask for help in handling our challenges. 

I feel like I have done that the last 4 months. I have read my scriptures regularly and pleaded for answers. The end of October I hit the point of having more to deal with than I could handle. This led to a series of events some of you know about. I found myself separated from Kyle and expecting a baby. Kyle was having a horrible time dealing with my leaving. That problem had not changed since then, it was getting worse. I worried if he knew about the baby he would become even more persistent and upset. I was worried about his emotional well being. I was worried about Kyle being able to care for the baby with his health challenges. There was never any doubt that Kyle would love and adore the baby and that having a child was his greatest wish. I have been agonizing over how to handle this situation I found myself in. I have been pleading for guidance from Heavenly Father. I don't sleep at night. I will think I've come up with something workable only to realize there is something I hadn't thought of and it won't work. 

This last weekend I asked my family and friends to fast and pray for me that I might be able to know what to do. I was out of work, preparing to file bankruptcy, pregnant, struggling with this whole separation mess. I've had the divorce papers notarized and ready to file for over a month and just haven't been able to do it. 

Monday I got offered a job by a previous employer, Steve at Great Western Park & Playground. It was an answer to many prayers. Steve is giving me the opportunity to be able to work from home and not have to leave my baby to go to an office everyday. I will be able to support us and work around the babies schedule. I left after the meeting and cried. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be able to stay home with my baby. 

Tuesday I had just come from the office with some stuff to go through. I sat down in the front room and was looking through the new playground catalog and marveling at all the changes since I did this 9 years ago. It was about 3:30 when my phone rang. I saw it was Katrina, my sister-in-law. It could have been about anything, but I had a bad feeling as I answered it. She told me she had some hard news and that Kyle had been found dead in his bed. It looked like he had slipped into a diabetic coma and passed away in his sleep. My constant fear had just been realized. I couldn't catch my breath to breathe. I tried to talk to her but couldn't get words out. I started making this noise between a wail and a sob. She asked if anyone was with me and I was able to get the phone to Marlee. I just sat in the recliner, rocking back and forth, making this weird noise and sobbing. I couldn't stop it. Marlee sat next to me and handed me tissues and hugged me. She got word to Mom and Dad, and Marijka who were all in Logan. Tyler called Janalee. He looked at me with the most helpless look. Soon they were all there. I had now moved past more than I can handle to having more than I could even mentally comprehend.