Suffering Is Optional

Tonight Mom, Marijka, and I were able to attend the VIP showing of The Relics & Artifacts of Joseph Smith & Church History exhibit that opens tomorrow night at The Joseph Smith Building. It was really neat to see an original first edition Book of Mormon. Joseph Smith's sword was on display, and a cane Emma Smith had made from Joseph's original coffin. There was an organ there that someone carried across the plains so their 11 year old son could continue to play. The son became the first organist in the Tabernacle. There were many other replicas of things from that time period. 

Kimberly and Brian Smith who are descendants of Joseph Smith sang a song about Emma Smith. I don't know the name but when they sang about how she was widowed young and her children wouldn't know their father it hit a little close to home and it brought me to tears. 

I in no way measure up to the strength and courage of Emma Smith. But when Kyle and I were in Nauvoo last summer I felt of her spirit and was inspired by her courage. I felt if she could stand by Joseph through their trials and stay strong then I could stand by Kyle and survive our trials. Trials which didn't even compare to theirs. Then when Kyle and I started having problems in my mind I felt I had failed even more because of this bond I felt with Emma. That I wasn't as strong as her. I don't know if that makes sense. 

After the Smith's performance David Osmond performed. I was unaware that he has multiple sclerosis. I know his father Alan has been fighting it for years. David's program focused on how our trials can't be compared to others. We each have our own issues to deal with. His performance and message were wonderful. His parents and grandmother were sitting in the row in front of us. After he was finished he came back and sat next to me. I was so impressed as I watched him interact with them. There was so much love and mutual respect. I now have a greater admiration for both Alan and David and the positive attitudes they both exhibit in the face of such challenges. 

I am so grateful to Tauna Nessler, my American Family insurance agent, for inviting me tonight. My experiences this evening helped me realize that I live in a different time than Emma Smith and my trials are my own. It doesn't lessen the connection I've felt with her. Just because I've handled my issues differently doesn't mean I've failed.

I had hoped when Kyle passed away it meant the time I spend in doctor offices would decrease greatly. Unfortunately that hasn't been the case. As some of you know I passed out and fell a couple of weeks after Carter was born. My doctors say I tore the MCL in my left knee and the Achilles' tendon in my right leg. I've been in a knee brace for the last 6 weeks for the MCL and the doctor said today it will be another 2 weeks. I've been in a boot for 3 weeks for the Achilles and my leg isn't feeling any better. In fact it feels worse. I go to that doctor Wednesday and we will see what he says. 

At my follow up appointment with my gynecologist a few weeks ago I had a Pap smear. It came back abnormal. I had a colposcopy today and it showed precancerous cells. I'll know by the end of the week if they are low grade or high grade cells. If they are low grade my body should fight them off and I just have to have another test in 6 months to check. If they are high grade I will have a minor procedure to remove the precancerous cells and follow up tests to make sure they don't come back. There is a very small chance the cells could be cancerous. 

Last summer I was having a lot of muscle and joint pain. My doctor was trying to figure out what was causing it and we were trying different medications. When Kyle and I made the decision to step up what we had been doing regarding fertility treatments I went off the medications in case I was able to get pregnant. I didn't want to take the chance they could cause problems. After Carter was born things got worse in regards to this. Getting out of bed in the morning or getting up after sitting for very long is painful and I have a hard time moving at first. I went to my new doctor here and the options being explored are rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and sleep apnea. I'm hoping for sleep apnea as it is the easiest to deal with by far. 

Carter's head isn't round so we are going to Primary Children's Hospital next week to a specialist to make sure everything is okay. I'm sure it is, but as his doctor says it is best to make sure.

I don't share this for sympathy but to point out that my challenges are different from yours. This doesn't make my trials worse than your trials or your trials worse than mine. They are just different. How we deal with them is up to us. I've been feeling a little sorry for myself the last week or so. My experiences tonight have lifted my spirits. I know my Heavenly Father led me to where I was supposed to be. David Osmond shared these words of wisdom from his father Alan tonight, "Pain is inevitable... But suffering is optional."

5 Years Ago

Friday would have been Kyle and my 5th wedding anniversary. It makes me sad to look at these pictures from our photo album. I've changed so much in every way. I try not to wonder "what if Kyle was still alive" but it's hard. I wonder if we would still be married. I wonder how Kyle's health would be. One thing I don't have to wonder about is if I would still love him. I've never had any doubt about that. I was just having a hard time trusting and living with him. So Happy Anniversary Kyle. You will always be in my heart. 

Carter's Birth Video

Here is a video I made using the pictures from Carter's birth and our stay in the hospital: http://youtu.be/8b3tlaLKtrA.  If you choose to watch it I hope you enjoy it.

Carter's Birth Announcement

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Carter - 2 Months Old

Carter is now 2 months old. Of course he is still cute and adorable. He makes eye contact now. He often smiles at me when I talk to him. He makes gooing and cooing noises now. His eyelashes are getting longer and darker. He is 23" long and weighs about 10 1/2 pounds. He doesn't have his 2 month appointment with the doctor until the 9th. He will get his first shots then and I'm not looking forward to it. He still pulls lots of funny faces. He moves his arms a lot but not as much as he use to. He doesn't do the arm straight in the air thing as often anymore. He moves his legs a lot more now than he did before. If I come into a room he is in and start talking he will recognize my voice and start looking around. Unless he's playing his new game of pretending the person trying to get his attention doesn't exist. He will then look anywhere but at them. It's quite funny.

He is still pretty good in the car although when he feels like he's had enough he lets me know it. As soon as I take him out of his car seat and lay him down he immediately raises his arms above his head and stretches out as long as he can. We went to Yellowstone this last weekend over Labor Day. Sadly it rained most of the time. So Carter basically spent 3 1/2 days in his car seat and was so good. Unfortunately we saw very few animals.

On Aug 23rd Carter rolled from his stomach to his back. It makes tummy time a little difficult now. He enjoys swinging in his swing and stretching out on the floor. I still have to fight my Mom for him and my Dad is so cute with him. He and Carter like to nap together. Sometimes when Mom has been tending I'll come home and go looking for them and find Mom and Dad in bed with Carter in the middle. It's really sweet. 

He is growing too fast. He is such a good baby and we are still having lots of fun with him.