"It's Been Really Bad"

I've debated back and forth for awhile on if I was going to write about what has been going on in my life the last few months.  In the words of Natalie's little guy Garrett after knocking over the Christmas tree, "It's really bad."  I've been in a really bad place for the last couple of months and I've pretty much tried to keep it off my blog, partly because I haven't had the words or even the desire to try and explain it, but the other night while laying in bed some of the words I wanted to express came to me and so I feel that there must be someone out there who needs to hear that they aren't alone in what they are going through.  There are people who understand and you don't have to be alone.  Don't get discouraged by those who don't understand.  Unless someone has gone through this themselves they will not get it. Hopefully they will still be compassionate and loving, but don't expect understanding.  I'm fortunate that I have an awesome Mom who has been where I am and an amazing doctor who hasn't given up on finding something to help me.  My Dad and Kyle have been awesome.  Kyle has no idea what to do with me, but just laying on the bed and holding me while I cry has does more than words can say.  The people I work with are incredible and have been completely supportive.  The notes and flowers I have received from friends mean so much.

My mind has been in a weird place.  It is a constant fight to get out of it.  Sometimes I would succeed for a day or even several days and things would seem to be better until I ended up here again.  In this place things feel completely overwhelming and hopeless with no chance for things to get better.  I didn't just wake up here one day.  It took awhile and a lot of stress and having to deal with a lot of problems for me to get here. 

This place I'm in feels like a big hole that I'm drowning or sinking in .  As one more problem, one more bill, one more thing for me to handle piles up on top of me it becomes too heavy for me.  Too much for me to balance and I start falling, sinking.  The load just kept getting heavier and harder to handle and no one has been able to help. 

In September I guess it all just became too much for me to deal with and I had a nervous/mental breakdown or whatever you want to call it.  I got on some medications and it seemed to help for awhile.  I was out of work for almost 2 months, which didn't help our financial situation.  Kyle hasn't been able to collect unemployment since August when he had the first of his surgeries, which is what started our whole financial disaster to begin with. 

Three months later I am on completely different medications than I begin with and I am making it to work.  Some days that is all I do, but at least I accomplished that.  I dread opening the mail because it means one or more bills I don't know how I am going to pay.  When the phone rings I just plan on it being a problem.  I can honestly say I wouldn't have made it through this without my incredibly awesome and supportive family.  They are so completely amazing.

I know there are a lot of people who don't believe in talking medication to help with your problems, but I don't think I would be here without it.  If you are feeling down and it isn't getting better go see your doctor.  There is nothing wrong with asking for help and no one even needs to know.  I know so many people who have been helped by medications.  The amazing LDS singer/songwriter Michael McLean has been clinically depressed for over 30 years and this year has made a real push to get people to go get help if they need it.

I don't tell you about this so that you can feel sorry for me, but in hopes that it might help someone else realize there is help available for depression if they need it.  You are not alone and I would be happy to do anything I can to help you.  Just let me know.  kamia911@gmail.com