It's Enough

There is a comfort in listening to Carter's breathing as I lay awake again tonight. I like to watch him as he sleeps. He is so perfect. He is peaceful. Something my soul is longing for. Peace. 

A year ago I made some choices that sent my life into a tailspin. Since Carter's birth I have been doing well. I've been, dare I say it, happy. But with the changing of the seasons came the memories of where I was and what I was doing a year ago and I don't feel at peace. When I lay down at night my mind turns on and I can't shut it off. This is a familiar place. I've spent immeasurable nights with these thoughts. Nights I wish I had a strong arm wrapped around me as I lay my head on his chest. Instead I lay in bed alone with my mind spinning. It's a very poor substitute. I miss him greatly. It's the little things I miss the most. A hand to hold, a smile, hugs, his kiss. It's hard.

I'll lie here and watch the time move slowly. Soon Carter will stir. Then he'll start to fuss and I'll have an excuse to pull him into bed with me for a little bit while he eats. To often lately my tears fall on his soft little head. But for a moment I'll find the peace I look for as I cuddle his soft little body close and smell his sweet baby scent. He is perfection and he's mine. It's more than enough.

Carter - 3 Months Old

Carter is 3 months old now. He no longer has the look of a small baby. His body has filled out so his arms and legs are no longer skin and bones. He is totally adorable. He has found his hands and spends a great deal of time sucking on them and mine when he gets hold of them. H drools a lot, but no sign of any teeth. He smiles a lot now. He recognizes my voice and starts looking for me when I come into the room. He is still really good riding in the car. He likes to have someone in the back with him. He doesn't like being alone. If I lay him down in his room and leave he will wake up and start fussing within about 5 minutes. If I lay him down and stay in the room with him and read or something for about 15 minutes or so he will drop into a deep sleep and usually be fine.

He had his first experiences with swimming. He didn't like the pool at Jan's condo. It was cold and he let me know he wasn't happy. Dad lowered the temp in the hot tub and took him in there and he loved it. He could have stayed in there forever but I made him get out so he didn't get overheated.

Carter's blessing was in sacrament meeting on Sunday, September 7th surrounded by his village of family and friends. He was blessed by my Dad who was assisted by Kyle's brothers Kevin and Kory, His Dad Don, my brother-in-law Matt, my cousins Brett, Sean and Greg, and Bishop Hamilton. It was really special and yet it was also a hard day. Kyle and I had discussed the day he would bless our baby several times. It was bittersweet. It was amazing that it was my baby being blessed, but sad that his Dad couldn't be there to do it. My Dad did a great job and gave him a beautiful blessing.

Afterwards we came to Mom and Dad's and had brunch on the patio. Marijka made crepes and we had a make your own crepe bar. It was really good. I loved seeing Carter's cousins fighting over who got to hold him. They are such cute boys. I got a picture of them all together. It was an accomplishment to get them all looking the same direction. 

The Huntington's walk was on Saturday the 13th this year. My birthday is the 11th and so I bought myself a hotel stay on Priceline and took Mom, Dad, and Carter with me. We stayed from the 11th to the 14th. We took Carter to the RV show and he slept through it in his stroller. The Huntington walk was nice. Matt pushed me around the park for the walk part in a wheelchair. With a knee brace on the left leg and a boot on the right it wasn't possible for me to walk it. Matt, Jan, Natalie, MaryAnn and her family came. It was a nice morning.