I am a Daughter of My Heavenly Father, He Loves Me, and I Love Him

I believe that Heavenly Father knows each of us personally. I have a very strong testimony that he watches over me. In studying the pre-mortal existence it seems to me that we agree to come to earth with the problems we are born with. In my mind I can see Kyle making a deal with Heavenly Father that he would come down and handle his challenges, but there had to be a time limit. Which to me explains Kyle having to leave this earth at a young age. I have no doubt Kyle passed away when he was supposed to. 

During our endless stream of adventures over the past 4 1/2 years I've held onto the fact that somewhere Heavenly Father has the blueprint for my life and there are reasons for these things. In order for Kyle to be ready to pass on when he needed to he needed to have all his covenants in order. So Heavenly Father sent Kyle a woman who could see past the rough stuff to the man he could be. A woman who would be stubborn about a temple marriage. Someone who loved him enough to marry him for eternity. Me. I took some doing but that mission was accomplished. 

Six weeks after our wedding I pressured Kyle into getting a pacemaker. The doctors had been trying to get one in him for awhile and he'd been resisting. A month after the surgery we were in the back country in Idaho cutting a Christmas Tree and he went down and it shocked his heart back to rhythm and saved his life. I never would have been able to get help to him in time. 

Kyle had more than 10 surgeries our first year of marriage and I lost count after that. We dealt with kidneys failing, partial foot amputation, hyperbaric chamber treatments every other day for months. Poison bug bites on his hand, staph infection that turned into MRSA and went septic. We spent a summer with me having to give him IV drug treatments and change the bandages on the disgusting putrid wound twice a day. Four months later I then proceeded to get a milder form of the MRSA, and it was painful and hard to get rid off. 

In the last couple of years most of the hospital visits have been due to the diabetes and problems getting his glucose levels stable. In September I had to call for the EMT's twice because he was cold, stiff, and not responding. They were able to bring him out and we then got a special pen I could give him a shot with if it happened again. During all of this I just kept thinking I know there is a plan, I sure wish I could sneak a peek at it. 

I've been struggling with the fact that it was just over 4 months from when I moved out that this happened. How did it fit in the plan, I've wondered. If I had been there handing him his pills like always, checking his glucose levels, making sure he was eating, and taking care of him, could I have prevented it?

Then tonight after I finished reading my scriptures and was laying here trying to deny that i really did have to go pee again, this message came to me so clearly. I couldn't have been there or yes Kyle would probably still be here. I was too good at taking care of him and getting him the help he needed. Kyle needed to get to the point he was at and I couldn't interfere. Kyle's plan needs to continue on the other side and I may have prolonged or prevented things from happening the way they needed to. 

Good things had been happened in his life during that time too. He had gotten to know some great people from the ward. He was reading his scriptures, praying, and going to church more. He had just barely gotten his temple recommend all signed. These things all comfort me. 

I wonder how many other times he could have gone if I hadn't gotten him help. I have to say I'm grateful for every minute we had. Despite the issues we were dealing with I loved him dearly. I am so grateful I will have the opportunity to live with him in Heaven for eternity. A place where we both will be the people we were meant to be, without limitations and frustrations to deal with. Where we can enjoy our son together.

I also need to say I know Heavenly Father sends people to help us when we need them the most. I can't thank those of you enough who have stopped by for a hug, brought treats or chocolate, sent gifts for me and supplies for the baby, the money people have given has been a lifesaver. Just another example that He knows what we need and provides it (even chocolate).

I testify to you that Heavenly Father knows each one of you personally. If you will let him in your life he will work things to your good. It may be hard to see at times, but I know he does.

Too Much Time To Think

I've been thinking a lot about Kyle and my relationship and how it came about that we got married. We hit it off on our first date. We parked in my driveway and talked for a long time. I knew within a few weeks I was in love with him. He went with me to the Oquirrh Mtn Temple open house. We knew when we were in the celestial room that if things worked out we wanted be married there. I was devastated the night I found out he had congestive heart failure and the diabetes on top of that. I immediately told him we would learn to deal with it. Then I went to my Mom and cried with her. I asked her if Heavenly Father would give me Kyle just to take him away. It was hard. Through the summer would have some problems and there were some red flags, but when I would pray about it and in several priesthood blessings I received I was told point blank that this marriage was the right thing for me. So I went forth totally 100% on faith. 

After we made the decision to get married we needed to meet with Kyle's bishop and get things going there. Our appt kept getting moved and we were running out of time. Kyle's mom asked me several times why we couldn't just get married and be sealed later. But once again I knew if we were getting married it had to be in the temple. What Kyle and Hydee both knew and I didn't was that Kyle hadn't been as active as he should have been. They were worried about him getting a recommend. The fact that he'd been going to church in Wellsville all summer instead of his home ward was another concern. Kyle finally had an appointment and we were in his ward for fast meeting that Sunday. I felt the need to bear my testimony and I did. The Bishop told Kyle in their interview that he felt impressed during my testimony that we needed to get married in the temple and he was to help that happen. He set up a plan where we attended church in that ward each week and the Bishop worked with Kyle for the next little while on some things. He gave Kyle his recommend for his endowment the Sunday before Kyle went through the temple to take it out. 

I am still convinced that my Heavenly Father wanted this marriage to happen even knowing the challenges we would go through. It was a couple of years later that I came to realize through a third person that they had felt since his birth that Kyle's life would not be long upon the earth. The knowledge TOTALLY devastated me and it took me a couple months of dealing with a small mental breakdown to figure out how to deal with that information. When I was doing better the same information was confirmed to me personally. It changed the way I went about dealing with things, especially the finances.  When we would get the opportunity to go on a trip or adventure I would freak out and immediately say no. We can't afford this. But after praying and thinking about it I would usually see a way we could make it work or family or someone totally random would unexpectedly help. I will NEVER regret the trips Kyle and I took. We made amazing memories and Kyle always had the time of his life.

Not quite a year ago I was driving from Salt Lake to Logan and my friend Stacey and I were on the phone talking about everything going on lately in our lives. Between the 2 of our families there is alway major medical drama. We were discussing financial hardships and I was telling her I didn't know when but I was feeling time was getting shorter for Kyle and I. The always wondering if he would be alive in the morning or when I got home after going hours with not being able to get in touch with him. Getting up and finding him watching tv with no idea how he got there or where he was had started happening more and more. When I'd check his glucose levels they would be out of wack. I told Stacey what a toll this was taking on me and I hoped I could be strong enough to continue to do it. I also think I told her I just wished I could have had a baby first so If Kyle were to die I wouldn't be totally alone. 

So now I lay here with tears running down my face as it is confirmed to me once again that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows what I need. By continually turning things over to him when things get to be more than I can handle he is blessing me with what he knows I need. I can lay here with this wiggly little guy exploring my insides and feel of both My Heavenly Father and Kyle's love. 

20 Week Ultrasound

Wednesday morning was my 20-week ultrasound. Mom and Marlee went with me. It seemed wrong to be going without Kyle. But once we got there Mom and I both felt he was in the room with us. Mom sat there with tears running down her cheeks. The tech just handed her a box of Kleenex. 

The baby did not want to cooperate and we were there quite a while before they were able to get the pictures they needed. They kept pushing on my belly to try and get him to move and show them what they needed, but he wouldn't move to where they needed him too. It was weird to know this baby was  really inside of me and that as much as he was moving I couldn't feel it. It was really amazing to see his little hands and feet waving around. We never did get a good picture of him though. 

When we got home Emily was there with Gracie and Ella. It was good to spend a few minutes with them. Hugs from the girls were just what I needed. Ella was jabbering away and it was good to have a distraction.

Dad, Mom, and I packed up and headed down to Salt Lake with the plan to stay until after the funeral. The closer I got to the house the harder it got. When I got there Button (Kyle's dog) practically crawled up me. She was a mess. They said she laid with him until he was found and then didn't want anyone to touch him. She was glad to see us. She snuggled up with Dad while we talked. 

Hydee was at the house and Bishop Yates and the Relief Society president came over when we got there. He told us about the last meeting he'd had with Kyle, which I mentioned in my last post. Don and Hydee had already gone to the mortuary and made arrangements. Kari wrote a nice obituary for Kyle. I had asked Hydee earlier to run it in the Logan paper and we discussed putting in there about the baby, but with all she had going on neither happened.  When I realized that on Thursday I wrote my own obituary for The Herald Journal. 

After the Bishop left I asked to go down to Kyle's room. It was hard to go in there with all his stuff. He jeans were on the floor where he always dropped them. I was ready to fall apart, but Hydee followed me down and I was able to hold it together. Katrina and Mandy came over and I was happy to see them. I didn't get to see Don. He was over at Kory's helping him and Kevin with the casket. I still can't believe they were willing to do that for Kyle. 

By the time we got to the hotel that night I was emotionally and physically exhausted. My doctor had given me a sleeping pill with instructions to take it. I did and got a much needed night of good sleep. 

The Shock

It didn't take long after the call from Kat before my family gathered around me. My friends Leah and Karen came. Em and Nat wanted to come but we felt the high emotions would be too much for the kids. I just felt so helpless and had nothing to do. I ended up putting a post on Facebook and soon texts and messages started pouring in. I feel very blessed by the love shown to me lately. I'm surrounded by love and concern. I know I will need it to get through the next little while. 

Bishop Yates, my bishop from South Jordan called my Mom to see how I was doing and I was able to talk with him for a few minutes. He is a very kind and compassionate man. I've met with him a couple of times and emailed with him about our situation. He's been working with Kyle and keeping an eye on him. He reassured me that the death was natural and peaceful. He asked if I knew of anything particular Kyle would want for the burial arrangements and funeral. A year after we were married Kyle had a bad dream about being in a casket and woke me up. He started talking about what he would want for a funeral and I wrote the things he told me down. That memory came back to me and I was able to tell him that Kyle hated hearses and we couldn't put him in one (I was reminded by Kyle of that every time we ever saw one) and that he wanted a casket built by his brothers. I had told Kyle that seemed pretty impossible to me and I told the Bishop the same thing. He said he would pass it on anyway. 

I remember at the time Kyle had that dream I tried to explain to him that I didn't feel dying would be a scary thing. We would get to go and be with our beloved grandparents and he would be with his Aunt Peggy. How his body would be healed and he wouldn't have any more pain. How he wouldn't really be in the casket, it would just be his body. I think some of it sunk in. He said he might get to be with them but it would mean he wasn't with me. I told him he would always be with me. We discussed many times over the years that death shouldn't be something to fear. I think it had helped change his perspective. 

Bishop Yates later shared with me that he met with Kyle the Sunday before he died. Kyle's cousin had recently passed away by suicide and Kyle was angry with God and life in general. The Bishop shared with me that he felt impressed to lead the discussion to the eternal covenants and how Kyle had received all of them he needed to move on in the next life. How in the next life Kyle wouldn't have to deal with the challenges he has had to in this life. He and the Bishop set some goals for Kyle to work on and when he left he had the twinkle back in his eye. The Bishop felt he was at peace with some of the things he'd been struggling with when he left. 

Bishop Hamilton, my bishop from here, and his counselors came over later and visited a little. They helped my Dad give me a really nice blessing that comforted me some. Joan, the Relief Society president and a good friend brought treats from Kneader's and the chocolate mousse dome cake comforted me some more. 

Mom and Dad helped me go through some stuff and find the journal with the funeral notes in it. I spoke with Hydee for a few minutes and we were able to give each other some comfort. 

Eventually everyone drifted off to bed. My Dad went downstairs and said I should sleep in with Mom. I just lay there and tried to process that my worst nightmare had just come true. The difference was I wasn't the one to find him. I was always worried I would wake up in the morning and he would be gone. There were times after trying to get hold of him for hours I would leave work to go check on him, fully expecting to find him dead. And wanting to kill him once I was assured he was okay. The last month I lived with him I had to call 911 twice because he was unresponsive. I have constantly lived with this fear for the last few years. It had taken a toll. I lay there all night going over everything in my head. Trying to process why things happened like this. The timing of it all. What Heavenly Fathers plan might be for all of it. I know there is one. I've known it since Kyle and I met the first time. This isn't the first time I've wondered how what is happening In our lives fits the plan. It's been pretty bizarre to say the least. Eventually the sun came up and found me sitting in the front room still wide awake. 

More Than I Can Handle

I was in Sacrament Meeting on Sunday for the first time in too many weeks. It was testimony meeting. A brother in the ward was bearing his testimony. He said he's heard Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle. I leaned over to my Mom and told her that was not true. He actually went on to say the same thing. Another brother whose wife has cancer and has had a stroke also talked about the same thing. I know personally He gives us more than we can deal with.  If anyone can show me where it is actually stated that he doesn't please let me know. I would be interested in that. My theory is the reason for Him giving us more is so we will turn to Heavenly Father and ask for help in handling our challenges. 

I feel like I have done that the last 4 months. I have read my scriptures regularly and pleaded for answers. The end of October I hit the point of having more to deal with than I could handle. This led to a series of events some of you know about. I found myself separated from Kyle and expecting a baby. Kyle was having a horrible time dealing with my leaving. That problem had not changed since then, it was getting worse. I worried if he knew about the baby he would become even more persistent and upset. I was worried about his emotional well being. I was worried about Kyle being able to care for the baby with his health challenges. There was never any doubt that Kyle would love and adore the baby and that having a child was his greatest wish. I have been agonizing over how to handle this situation I found myself in. I have been pleading for guidance from Heavenly Father. I don't sleep at night. I will think I've come up with something workable only to realize there is something I hadn't thought of and it won't work. 

This last weekend I asked my family and friends to fast and pray for me that I might be able to know what to do. I was out of work, preparing to file bankruptcy, pregnant, struggling with this whole separation mess. I've had the divorce papers notarized and ready to file for over a month and just haven't been able to do it. 

Monday I got offered a job by a previous employer, Steve at Great Western Park & Playground. It was an answer to many prayers. Steve is giving me the opportunity to be able to work from home and not have to leave my baby to go to an office everyday. I will be able to support us and work around the babies schedule. I left after the meeting and cried. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be able to stay home with my baby. 

Tuesday I had just come from the office with some stuff to go through. I sat down in the front room and was looking through the new playground catalog and marveling at all the changes since I did this 9 years ago. It was about 3:30 when my phone rang. I saw it was Katrina, my sister-in-law. It could have been about anything, but I had a bad feeling as I answered it. She told me she had some hard news and that Kyle had been found dead in his bed. It looked like he had slipped into a diabetic coma and passed away in his sleep. My constant fear had just been realized. I couldn't catch my breath to breathe. I tried to talk to her but couldn't get words out. I started making this noise between a wail and a sob. She asked if anyone was with me and I was able to get the phone to Marlee. I just sat in the recliner, rocking back and forth, making this weird noise and sobbing. I couldn't stop it. Marlee sat next to me and handed me tissues and hugged me. She got word to Mom and Dad, and Marijka who were all in Logan. Tyler called Janalee. He looked at me with the most helpless look. Soon they were all there. I had now moved past more than I can handle to having more than I could even mentally comprehend.