I Am Thankful for Carter

I am thankful for Carter. This little guy is the best thing that ever happened to me. He was born at a time in my life when Heavenly Father knew I would need him most. He was worth the wait. I never thought I would only have one child but if this is the way it needed to be then I'm grateful my little sweet pea choose me. It is an overwhelming responsibility to be a Mom and I often wonder if I am up to the task. It doesn't help that I was expressing my doubts on this subject to Kyle once and he informed he wondered about that himself. Needless to say I was quite hurt and the silent treatment was administered to him. I try not to let this be something I constantly worry about but I admit it's something I worry about. A big help is that I have the best example in the world to follow in my own mom. If I can do even a fraction as well as she has I'll be happy. 

When I was pregnant I wondered how long it would take me to grow to love him. It is amazing to me how it happened instantly for me. I'm not known for my patience and wondered how I would be with him. Once a baby started fussing I immediately ready to give them back to their mom. People always told me it is different with your own and I thought they were full of crap. I now have to admit they were right. I know it won't matter what Carter does or the mistakes he makes I will always love him. I watch him sleep and he is so peaceful. He is such a wonderful blessing.

I'm Thankful for Angels

I enjoyed thinking of the things I am grateful for as I wrote about them last year on my blog so I'm going to write about some of the things I'm thankful for this season as well. I'm late getting started this year so it won't be an everyday thing.

I was thinking today that I am thankful for angels. The scriptures teach us of angels and I believe they watch over us. During Kyle's funeral Bishop Yates told my nieces and nephews that he felt prompted to tell them Kyle would be with them protecting and guiding them during certain times in their lives. I have taken comfort in knowing Carter was able to spend 4 months in Heaven with Kyle. Now he is here on earth with me I know Kyle is watching over and protecting him. It's a comforting feeling to know Carter will have a guardian angel watching over him. 

Carter - 4 Months Old

Carter is 4 months old. He weighs 14 pounds 12 ounces and is 26" long. He is getting way too big for my liking. I saw a newborn Thursday and I can't believe Carter was that small. He is so cute and his smile melts my heart. He puts his whole body into it wiggling and making cooing noises. His eye no longer runs, but now he slobbers constantly so I'm still constantly wiping his face off. He rolls onto his side but doesn't roll all the way over yet. It's not very often it happens, but he has a bit of a temper that comes out. I have to admit it makes me a little scared for what he may come up with as he gets older. Carter "talks" all the time. He loves when you repeat his noises back to him. It makes him smile. When he gets upset and ramps up his crying he makes a noise that sounds like a horse neighing. It always makes me smile when he does it.

We had lots of adventures this month. We went to the pumpkin patch and picked Carter's first pumpkin. The weather was nice and it was lots of fun. We went with Emily and her girls and I think they each came up with a perfect pumpkin for him. The patch is owned by my Dad's friend so we could get all the pumpkins we wanted and as a result we came home with the back of the van full. 

Carter got to go on his first UEA trip with the ladies and kids. Janalee had a doctor appointment in Salt Lake earlier in the week so we went early. We ended up spending a week in Park City at the condo we rented. Dad and Matt spent the first part of the week with us and then Karen, Marlee, Emily, Natalie and the kids came for the second part of the week. The place we rented was really nice. The leaves were turning and it was a beautiful time of year to be there.

The next week was the deer hunt. Marijka, Carter and I went up for dinner with the guys. Dad, Bruce, and Ron were there. Carter put on a good show and showed them his smiles. When we got there Dad and Ron were getting ready to go up the mountain in the Rhino. We put Carter in his snow suit and went with them. He sat between Dad and I and was perfectly content looking around. It was noisy and bumpy and he totally enjoyed it. He even fell asleep for a few minutes. 

Mom, Marlee, Marijka and I decided to dress up as witches for Halloween. I had planned to dress Carter up as Mickey Mouse but with this decision I had to of course dress him up as my black cat. We found a cute beanie with cat ears and a face on it. He looked adorable. With Tom as our escort we dressed up and went to Witchapalooza in Ogden the Saturday before Halloween. The weather cooperated and it was really warm. We had a fun time.

 

It's Enough

There is a comfort in listening to Carter's breathing as I lay awake again tonight. I like to watch him as he sleeps. He is so perfect. He is peaceful. Something my soul is longing for. Peace. 

A year ago I made some choices that sent my life into a tailspin. Since Carter's birth I have been doing well. I've been, dare I say it, happy. But with the changing of the seasons came the memories of where I was and what I was doing a year ago and I don't feel at peace. When I lay down at night my mind turns on and I can't shut it off. This is a familiar place. I've spent immeasurable nights with these thoughts. Nights I wish I had a strong arm wrapped around me as I lay my head on his chest. Instead I lay in bed alone with my mind spinning. It's a very poor substitute. I miss him greatly. It's the little things I miss the most. A hand to hold, a smile, hugs, his kiss. It's hard.

I'll lie here and watch the time move slowly. Soon Carter will stir. Then he'll start to fuss and I'll have an excuse to pull him into bed with me for a little bit while he eats. To often lately my tears fall on his soft little head. But for a moment I'll find the peace I look for as I cuddle his soft little body close and smell his sweet baby scent. He is perfection and he's mine. It's more than enough.

Carter - 3 Months Old

Carter is 3 months old now. He no longer has the look of a small baby. His body has filled out so his arms and legs are no longer skin and bones. He is totally adorable. He has found his hands and spends a great deal of time sucking on them and mine when he gets hold of them. H drools a lot, but no sign of any teeth. He smiles a lot now. He recognizes my voice and starts looking for me when I come into the room. He is still really good riding in the car. He likes to have someone in the back with him. He doesn't like being alone. If I lay him down in his room and leave he will wake up and start fussing within about 5 minutes. If I lay him down and stay in the room with him and read or something for about 15 minutes or so he will drop into a deep sleep and usually be fine.

He had his first experiences with swimming. He didn't like the pool at Jan's condo. It was cold and he let me know he wasn't happy. Dad lowered the temp in the hot tub and took him in there and he loved it. He could have stayed in there forever but I made him get out so he didn't get overheated.

Carter's blessing was in sacrament meeting on Sunday, September 7th surrounded by his village of family and friends. He was blessed by my Dad who was assisted by Kyle's brothers Kevin and Kory, His Dad Don, my brother-in-law Matt, my cousins Brett, Sean and Greg, and Bishop Hamilton. It was really special and yet it was also a hard day. Kyle and I had discussed the day he would bless our baby several times. It was bittersweet. It was amazing that it was my baby being blessed, but sad that his Dad couldn't be there to do it. My Dad did a great job and gave him a beautiful blessing.

Afterwards we came to Mom and Dad's and had brunch on the patio. Marijka made crepes and we had a make your own crepe bar. It was really good. I loved seeing Carter's cousins fighting over who got to hold him. They are such cute boys. I got a picture of them all together. It was an accomplishment to get them all looking the same direction. 

The Huntington's walk was on Saturday the 13th this year. My birthday is the 11th and so I bought myself a hotel stay on Priceline and took Mom, Dad, and Carter with me. We stayed from the 11th to the 14th. We took Carter to the RV show and he slept through it in his stroller. The Huntington walk was nice. Matt pushed me around the park for the walk part in a wheelchair. With a knee brace on the left leg and a boot on the right it wasn't possible for me to walk it. Matt, Jan, Natalie, MaryAnn and her family came. It was a nice morning.

Suffering Is Optional

Tonight Mom, Marijka, and I were able to attend the VIP showing of The Relics & Artifacts of Joseph Smith & Church History exhibit that opens tomorrow night at The Joseph Smith Building. It was really neat to see an original first edition Book of Mormon. Joseph Smith's sword was on display, and a cane Emma Smith had made from Joseph's original coffin. There was an organ there that someone carried across the plains so their 11 year old son could continue to play. The son became the first organist in the Tabernacle. There were many other replicas of things from that time period. 

Kimberly and Brian Smith who are descendants of Joseph Smith sang a song about Emma Smith. I don't know the name but when they sang about how she was widowed young and her children wouldn't know their father it hit a little close to home and it brought me to tears. 

I in no way measure up to the strength and courage of Emma Smith. But when Kyle and I were in Nauvoo last summer I felt of her spirit and was inspired by her courage. I felt if she could stand by Joseph through their trials and stay strong then I could stand by Kyle and survive our trials. Trials which didn't even compare to theirs. Then when Kyle and I started having problems in my mind I felt I had failed even more because of this bond I felt with Emma. That I wasn't as strong as her. I don't know if that makes sense. 

After the Smith's performance David Osmond performed. I was unaware that he has multiple sclerosis. I know his father Alan has been fighting it for years. David's program focused on how our trials can't be compared to others. We each have our own issues to deal with. His performance and message were wonderful. His parents and grandmother were sitting in the row in front of us. After he was finished he came back and sat next to me. I was so impressed as I watched him interact with them. There was so much love and mutual respect. I now have a greater admiration for both Alan and David and the positive attitudes they both exhibit in the face of such challenges. 

I am so grateful to Tauna Nessler, my American Family insurance agent, for inviting me tonight. My experiences this evening helped me realize that I live in a different time than Emma Smith and my trials are my own. It doesn't lessen the connection I've felt with her. Just because I've handled my issues differently doesn't mean I've failed.

I had hoped when Kyle passed away it meant the time I spend in doctor offices would decrease greatly. Unfortunately that hasn't been the case. As some of you know I passed out and fell a couple of weeks after Carter was born. My doctors say I tore the MCL in my left knee and the Achilles' tendon in my right leg. I've been in a knee brace for the last 6 weeks for the MCL and the doctor said today it will be another 2 weeks. I've been in a boot for 3 weeks for the Achilles and my leg isn't feeling any better. In fact it feels worse. I go to that doctor Wednesday and we will see what he says. 

At my follow up appointment with my gynecologist a few weeks ago I had a Pap smear. It came back abnormal. I had a colposcopy today and it showed precancerous cells. I'll know by the end of the week if they are low grade or high grade cells. If they are low grade my body should fight them off and I just have to have another test in 6 months to check. If they are high grade I will have a minor procedure to remove the precancerous cells and follow up tests to make sure they don't come back. There is a very small chance the cells could be cancerous. 

Last summer I was having a lot of muscle and joint pain. My doctor was trying to figure out what was causing it and we were trying different medications. When Kyle and I made the decision to step up what we had been doing regarding fertility treatments I went off the medications in case I was able to get pregnant. I didn't want to take the chance they could cause problems. After Carter was born things got worse in regards to this. Getting out of bed in the morning or getting up after sitting for very long is painful and I have a hard time moving at first. I went to my new doctor here and the options being explored are rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and sleep apnea. I'm hoping for sleep apnea as it is the easiest to deal with by far. 

Carter's head isn't round so we are going to Primary Children's Hospital next week to a specialist to make sure everything is okay. I'm sure it is, but as his doctor says it is best to make sure.

I don't share this for sympathy but to point out that my challenges are different from yours. This doesn't make my trials worse than your trials or your trials worse than mine. They are just different. How we deal with them is up to us. I've been feeling a little sorry for myself the last week or so. My experiences tonight have lifted my spirits. I know my Heavenly Father led me to where I was supposed to be. David Osmond shared these words of wisdom from his father Alan tonight, "Pain is inevitable... But suffering is optional."

5 Years Ago

Friday would have been Kyle and my 5th wedding anniversary. It makes me sad to look at these pictures from our photo album. I've changed so much in every way. I try not to wonder "what if Kyle was still alive" but it's hard. I wonder if we would still be married. I wonder how Kyle's health would be. One thing I don't have to wonder about is if I would still love him. I've never had any doubt about that. I was just having a hard time trusting and living with him. So Happy Anniversary Kyle. You will always be in my heart.