It's Enough

There is a comfort in listening to Carter's breathing as I lay awake again tonight. I like to watch him as he sleeps. He is so perfect. He is peaceful. Something my soul is longing for. Peace. 

A year ago I made some choices that sent my life into a tailspin. Since Carter's birth I have been doing well. I've been, dare I say it, happy. But with the changing of the seasons came the memories of where I was and what I was doing a year ago and I don't feel at peace. When I lay down at night my mind turns on and I can't shut it off. This is a familiar place. I've spent immeasurable nights with these thoughts. Nights I wish I had a strong arm wrapped around me as I lay my head on his chest. Instead I lay in bed alone with my mind spinning. It's a very poor substitute. I miss him greatly. It's the little things I miss the most. A hand to hold, a smile, hugs, his kiss. It's hard.

I'll lie here and watch the time move slowly. Soon Carter will stir. Then he'll start to fuss and I'll have an excuse to pull him into bed with me for a little bit while he eats. To often lately my tears fall on his soft little head. But for a moment I'll find the peace I look for as I cuddle his soft little body close and smell his sweet baby scent. He is perfection and he's mine. It's more than enough.