Today is Kyle's birthday. He would have been 41. I always made a big deal about his birthday and it seems really weird not to be doing so today. I wish his grave was closer and more convenient. I remind myself that he isn't there so it doesn't really matter. After my Grandpa LaMar died I got a lot of comfort from going to the cemetery over the years. But with Grandma Ila and Grandpa Farrell I've never felt that. I talk to Kyle a lot in my head. It would sure be nice to get some answers to the questions I have, but I have to deal with the fact that I won't be getting them.
Whenever Kyle would leave and I was still in bed he would come in and stand by my side of the bed, lean over and brush my hair back with his chin, rest his chin on my neck and say goodbye. In the middle of the night on the 8th. I woke up out of a dead sleep. I was facing the middle of the bed. I could feel Kyle standing behind me. He brushed my hair back, said goodbye and was gone. I know he was there.
I miss him everyday. I think of things I want to tell him or discuss with him. My brain has finally processed that there isn't going to be a daily text coming from him. Even when we were having problems he sent me a text everyday telling me how much he loved me, how beautiful I am, etc. Sometimes it was frustrating because I felt like he wasn't dealing with our issues. Now I would love to receive just one more.
I can't believe it's been 8 weeks. I think of how happy he would have been to feel the baby move. It breaks my heart he isn't here for all of it. I wrote this post about Kyle last year for his birthday: "Happy Birthday Sweetheart". How much things can change in a year. I love you Kyle and I always will. I miss you every day.
1 comment:
It's so hard at times. It was fun to talk about Kyle on his birthday and remember the good times! He was always so good to me.. I really miss him and often stop when we are doing things and think Kyle would have loved this. I love you Kyle! Thank you for watching over us and saving Ric when he had his incident in the canyon. It's nice to know you have our back. Take care of Carter for us until he gets here.
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